The signs of ageing

This is a rather distasteful subject but I feel it needs to be aired. Yes, the signs of ageing - things you would never dream of (or even probably have nightmares since it would be descending to a level of detail that would be unmemorable) - which I have decided to chronicle.

The first thing you will notice at the age of 45 is that your eyesight will start to let you down. Everyone over this seemingly innocent barrier unfailingly spends ages groping around for reading glasses, complaining that the printed word has shrunk, that the lights are dimmer and that their mobile phone text messages are ridiculously small, what can the manufacturer have been thinking about? But, my friends, it is not they who are at fault it is YOUR EYES.

The second thing you will notice is the hair that springs up or disappears from completely different places than the ones you are used to, and moreover much of it without any encouragement or warning becomes interspersed with white or grey. Yes! Women's head hair becomes thinner, men's head hair falls out or retreats on the scalp leaving peculiar bare patches, which then become dazzlingly shiny as though these unfortunates are polishing them every morning, elevenses, lunchtime, supper etc. Young people think older men are doing it on purpose but we know the truth don't we? Bald heads are naturally shiny without any help. Sorry, it is a cruel fact. As this head hair loosens its grip on the scalp new, strong, lustrous, wrongly coloured (white or grey typically, never blonde or raven black, those days are long past)hair bursts forth from places previously only modestly endowed with the stuff, for example - the nostril, the ear (mainly men),or a mole which was previously just a mole now is some sort of nursery for new vibrant growth, and of course - the eyebrows (see previous blog) - what happens there is, well, for all to see. Out of control unless you take careful heed of the progress of this unwanted development.

The third thing that afflicts the age challenged is fat distribution. Sad to relate that fat, previously held in place by a myriad of tiny muscles in the skin, finally gets the better of them and they begin to let go and 'sagging' takes place. The most notable place for this horrendous effect is naturally the stomach area which begins to descend inexorably towards the knees, followed in the case of both men and women by the breast area - generally it is true more noticeably in women, but it still happens to men. The tits of both sexes drop. Then the jowl starts to droop, giving the familiar downward curve to once luscious smiling lips and the 'old bag' expression is involuntarily adopted by again (sorry lads) men and women, no matter how cheerful they are feeling. You will look grumpy.

It is women, though, who are more affected by the next horror on my list and that is the wrinkling of the joint area. Oh tragedy of tragedies. Ladies, your knees will begin to take on the texture of a dried up prune, pulled downwards by its own inexorable weight. And your elbows. And OMG do not forget the eye lids drooping, drooping down pulled by gravity and the numerous times you have been opening and shutting (sometimes in the course of flirtation, naturally) and generally over-exercising them in the course of your blinking life.

Mysteriously, you will find skin pigment too will finally reveal the ravages of time in both men and women. Peculiar brown spots will appear in places you would rather they did not - your cheek, your nose, your forehead once uniform in colour will now be spattered with weird brown patches seemingly popping up overnight, and they may come on your hands, your decolletage. Nowhere is sacred. Veins will gradually surface, ankles that never swelled will now swell at the slightest increase in temperature, finger swelling will necessitate removal of rings you have worn for twenty odd years.

And you thought it was just wrinkles......ha! ha!

And, moreover, all this is without disease....or death..which will also become more familiar friends as your birthdays multiply.

However, cheer yourselves with this thought. Although age may have its effect on you no one, however rich, can avoid it, certainly not the Queen or Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Also, we 45 pluses have lived in a world where when we were young there was no re-cycling! We could go around on motorbikes when we were 16 without helmets ruining our hairstyles! We could visit Spain and sunbathe on a beach alone except for a handful of fit looking Spanish boys, instead of two inches away from five thousand other British/Germans! We could run for an aeroplane and the guards would let you through the gate without checking your bag! We could buy houses for under £10,000! We could park anywhere we liked, virtually! We could smoke in cinemas! And crucially, we did not have to pick up our dogs poo! Oh happy world.......